by admin | Aug 16, 2025 | AA, Addiction, Lifestyle & Work
It is not rare to change Sponsors. They tell you from the get-go, it’s not a marriage, it’s not X, Y, or Z. And that’s precisely what I have said about myself and to others replying “You need a more cerebral program, I get it.” By cerebral I do not mean analytical. This is Spiritual. This is put a plug on the “God-Complex” issue and listen to the issue of God or your Higher Power in [your] life comcept.
I had a Sponsor. It was Sponsorship for the sake of saying “I have a Sponsor.” It was horrible. Have you ever needed structure, steps, (all 12 of them in AA?) and found yourself doing nothing? It happens. No two people sponsor the same way. And some may work for some and others for others. I needed a lot of structure. It’s what I am accustomed to. It helps me sit, and read, and talk about, and see what I am doing. So I changed to the Sponsor who took me through the steps. That was completely different. It was “call me every day.” It was this is your assignment, if in two week’s you’re ready we’ll do step work. And that’s how it went. I changed Sponsor then as well. I remembered something, I think she may have felt confronted, and pushed me away. It went so far that I said okay, I can’t deal with this. So I tried again. This is the issue:
Between that Sponsor and the Step’s Sponsor I was Sponsorless for a week. My mother was celebrating her birthday with a dinner, they had wine glasses on the table, and I went to say hello. I have never seen my hand move towards a drink nor me be so afraid I simply start walking away so quickly in my life. Ma ny, thousands of people know relapses as “wait, I just drank that glass of wine?” It was scary. So, I sent who would be my Sponsor a text saying I am scared out of my life, I had to walk away without saying goodbye to anyone, I was saying hello… She said let me be your Sponsor at least temporarily, until you find someone who fits for you. And so.
Being without a Sponsor when that happened was the catalyst I needed to do something else. And I did. This is not to say that people are not Sponsorless. There are many who say “I have never had a Sponsor.” Other have had one for the Steps, and then none afterwards. A Sponsor’s ONLY job is to take you through the steps. Sometimes people gain friendships out of it. That’s great for them. That has never been my intention when Sponsoring, and it may be why I may not be everyon’e cup of tea. I do not send emojis after every message. I ask how you’re doing, I ask you to call me, gratitude lists possibly, and a lot of work. The work is necessary. You don’t go from Step 2 to Step 5 by having a phone coversation and saying you’re ready you gave it to God. There is a Big Book, the TEXT of Alcoholics Anonymous, for a reason. That person you hear in the rooms who says “we went line-by-line” to see what that is truly saying, is the kind of Sponsor I have needed. I didn’t do a Gratitude List until after the steps that I asked, “can I send you one, to keep myself in check?”
This may sound different than expected. It is possibly the fact that I go by “taking you through the Steps” and nothing more.
by admin | Aug 16, 2025 | AA, Addiction, Lifestyle & Work
Step 5 tells me “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
Step 5 was not difficult for me. People run away from it. Step 5 was a relief. You see, I knew exactly what this was doing—or I thought I knew it all. That is certainly not the case. I knew it would be cathartic, and would be cleansing. My steps were at times difficult, especially when needing to remember things. I had heard so many stories, worked in various ways on Step 4, and in truth there was a lot that I was scared to forget and leave out. It is, though, only the first of the moral inventories done. It is only the first time around, and it is not meant to be perfect. It wasn’t. It was full of issues with family, full of self-centered fear, full of self-serving behaviors, and all of those culminate to a huge presence of fear.
Many people burn their first 5th Step. And that’s cool. I did not. My Sponsor at the time doesn’t do that. We sat at a Panera on Miracle Mile in Coral Gables and it was hilarious because I actually thought people cared enough to hear these things. I read the whole thing, she sat, and when leaving said I’ve done worse. The same thing happened when doing the 3rd Step. We did the 3rd Step prayer at one of the parks on one of the beaches on Key Biscayne. And it was in front of other people. Come on, get down on your knees. And of course I did. I was nervous, didn’t look around consciously but certainly wondered about it, but said the prayer, got up, said okay—end of the day.
I have told Sponsees Step 5 is not for anyone to sit and analyze what you did or did not do. The person serves a purpose, and the only purpose is to create the space taken by someone, people, the world, knowing that [you] are NOT perfect. That you have done things as well. And it’s not a testament to them accepting you. It’s a testament to you accepting them and to your honesty. It’s a testament to your holding yourself accountable. To realizing that I’m not only thinking I did these things, and I’ll tell myself, and God. I’ll also cement it in time. And these statements seem dramatic, even to me writing them, but it is really important because you gain a little of insight into who you have been. It’s challenging. Then comes part, present, future—where do I stand and when do I think of these if at all? Step 5 is a huge turning point, but in Step 5 you meet yourself for the first time, and see exactly who you have been. I am not a fan of doing Step 5 with anyone. I changed Sponsors because I did not trust my Sponsor enough to do a Fifth Step with her. It says it in the Big Book, make sure you choose who you do this with. Many people, many, many people do it with a priest in confession. A part of me, that is quite traditional and orthodox, would have done it like that. Doing a Fifth Step is much scarier prior to doing it, the anticipation, the “self-centred fear” associated with it is the scary part. A Fifth Step is you being ready. They say Step 3? Not for me. For me Step 2 was more difficult. They say Step 3 is the step you take saying I am willing to take the remainder of the steps. I don’t feel that way. I think it’s easy to say “Take this.” It’s easy to make a list. For me, I had to “suit up and show up” at Step 5.
The steps are in order for a reason. But I did get to see that I was manipulating my parents as a child. Friends in high school because I had a car and my parents’ trust that they needed, and they had a social life which I wanted outside books and so sure you pay for the (I drank it too) MD 20/20 and I’ll ask someone to buy it for us. By the way, anyone who drinks MD 20/20 really should consider a Fifth Step just admitting to yourself, God, and someone else that you went there to get drunk. As for sitting with God. That as my biggest, not fear, but the most emotional part of my Fifth Step. I had blamed a lot of me on God. How dare you? Why would you do this? How can you “love” me and still be willing to see me live this way, or barely live at all? In the end I don’t know what that meant. I know to me, it meant that regardless what happened, no matter what it was or who was allowing me to be or do or experience anything I was there too. It remnains a mystery to me. If I attemopted to dicern it further right now I would place myself in the “I want to understand God” which is synonymous to I want to “control” who God is. So I had the conversation, and left it at that.
Step 5 is nothing to be afraid of. Suit up, show up, do it because you believe that in the end it’s what you need, not what anyone is forcing you to do. Believe in you enough to know that [your HP] does too. (Still working on this every day. Progress not perfection)
by admin | Aug 15, 2025 | AA, Addiction
I bought The Next Frontier Emotional Sobriety I & II a few weeks ago. Not really. It was more like 2 weeks so a few wouldn’t be correct. Point being. I began reading it (a few weeks ago), and truly began reading it yesterday. I am only on page 8 right now and the passage is “Spiritual Agony.” I look for precision in diction and syntax—a personal issue I have—and the definition of Agony is the following: Extreme physical or mental suffering.
This story, and I’ve only gotten to paragraph 3, includes 3-4 day blackouts, and other countries and hangovered mornings, and…
Someone called me today, and I had this extensive connversation about “you should see [the drink] in all of the contexts it stood. It was your boyfriend, your boss, your friend, your best friend, etc. And, of course because we share our ESH (experience strength and hope) I told her mine. I also said I cannot place this substance that ruled my life in a bottle, though. It started everything. I was a child I have no idea except that by the age of 9 I was very conscious of drinking sangria to go to sleep, and doing it hiding from my mother (as best as I knew how at 9). The whole “Off to the Races” happened, too. And it was not with alcohol. But it solved the same issue. It was painful. Taking LSD on a dare at the age of 15 with your best friend who was a “veteran” and the one who dared me (I would pay money to see [her] on that!) was not fun. But I did it. I don’t remember doing it much more after that. But I did smoke a lot at one point, did “drop” various X-pills at another, and did do a lot of what to me seemed like the most reasonable drug of all since I was abl to be coherent while doing it. I mean, when you start IVing cocaine there is an issue. The possibilities of overdosing were immense. Cocaine is an anesthetic, but whoever thinks that any drug is ever clean is not living on this planet.
Going back to the book, I thought of when I decided let’s try this LSD thing, but let me try to make it for myself instead. There was much more to be found on the Internet in the early 2000s than there is now. I wouldn’t know because I try not to do much of anything unless for work-related purposes. I remember the Hive, and a bunch of actual chemists and kitchen-chemists trading secrets on how to make your own MDMA. “Bee” and “Junior-bee.” I remember the articles I would read, how much research I would do prior to trying it. I read Buddhist monks go to the Himalayas on MDMA to meditate, and I think to myself I want to try that. Back to the LSD. I wonder what in the world I was thinking. I was “tripping” for a whole week, because I made the stuff at my friends house (with flower seeds), left it there to harden (they were meant to be gel-tabs—they never hardened, though—and would go daily to tap my fingers a few timnes, dampen my mouth, and “Off to the races” I went again.
I don’t remember where I was, or what I was doing, but I think it had to do with South Beach, Rolling (on an extasy pill), and never getting off of that that tipped me over. There’s that God-sized hole they talk about in the rooms. And it’s true. No one knows, though, it’s “God”-sized what they’re trying to fill, but there is something missing and it always resurfaces. They talk about the “Spiritual Malady.” Completely. I am an alcoholic and addict because I do not know how to have a “God” or “Higher Power” in other words. I do not know how to let go. I do not know how to have faith. I am terrified shitless of people, places, things, situations because I am so scared that I have to live this life that I know nothing about. I do not know how to be human. I do not know how to be waiting, and hoping, and feeling overwhelming love, and devotion, and at the same time not think “is everything okay” “are we fine” “are you okay” “can I do anything” “what do you need?” I do not know how to do that. It’s living life in a way that I think is right, which never is, that makes me think that being an asshole is the right way to get things done. That saying It’s my way is the way to have people like you. And all that other stuff we all do because we learned it befoire we got to learn that being kind and loving and sweet and caring was the easier softer way. Not to get hurt, no, te get anything and everything you have ever wanted. In the end, the moment [your] defenses go up the person beside you will have theirs up even higher. Who wins now?
I am conistently reminded “I have a Step-1 Problem!” Yep. I forget that I have no power over anything. I am in this world by myself and only for you. The moment I think I am here for me is the moment I literally start getting miserable. Tell me that time you got arrogant how good it felt and how much you took with you? Go just a little further, to the end of the night, to the next morning, to the thoughts you were avoiding. Tell me now that you think about them why did you avoid them to begin with and how does it feel now that you allow them to show their face?
This is why I take the program seriously. It is like becoming vegan. I got healthier, my pallete got broader, I started cooking better, I even get to feel special at times if I need to take it there. I don’t miss the drink. I don’t miss the drugs. I don’t miss the hangovers. I don’t miss the rolling until 5am EST to sleep for 1 hour to go to some morning sports event at 8am EST to be asking myself who are these people and when was the last time you slept? “No thank you I do not eat chicken wings for breakfast.” Who is who and what is what and no the worst thing you can ever do while taking any pill is drink alcohol—you’ll OD quickly actually—stand next to the water fountain all night instead.
Those experiences are not funny, romantic, enaging. They’re ridiculous, life-altering, heartbreaking. They’re broken cracked shattered pieces of life. We don’t close doors, we move forward, we walk through them, but if and when we look back, they’re still right there ready to sting the life out of you if you dare go near them ever again. And this second time around, they know you better, they hurt you better, and they stay longer better, too.
by admin | Aug 2, 2025 | AA, Addiction
The Next Frontier : Emotional Sobriety
by Bill Wilson
Copyright © AA Grapevine, Inc, January 1958
I think that many oldsters who have put our AA “booze cure” to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA—the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.
Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance—urges quite appropriate to age seventeen—prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven or fifty-seven.
Since AA began, I’ve taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up, emotionally and spiritually. My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible, and how very painful to discover finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse! Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round.
How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result, and so into easy, happy, and good living—well, that’s not only the neurotic’s problem, it’s the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to right principles in all our affairs.
Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That’s the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to. And it’s a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious—from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream—be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want! How to convince our dumb, raging and hidden “Mr. Hyde” becomes our main task.
I’ve recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I believe so because I begin to see many benighted ones—folks like you and me—commencing to get results. Last autumn [several years backed.] depression, having no really rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I’ve had with depressions, it wasn’t a bright prospect.
I kept asking myself, “Why can’t the Twelve Steps work to release depression?” By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer…”It’s better to comfort than to be the comforted.” Here was the formula, all right. But why didn’t it work?
Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence – almost absolute dependence – on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.
There wasn’t a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.
Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what Grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.
Then only could I be free to love as Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life.
Plainly, I could not avail myself of God’s love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn’t possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies.
For my dependency meant demand—a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me.
While those words “absolute demand” may look like a gimmick, they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me.
This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God’s creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the current can’t flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is.
Spiritual calculus, you say? Not a bit of it. Watch any AA of six months working with a new Twelfth Step case. If the case says “To the devil with you,” the Twelfth Stepper only smiles and turns to another case. He doesn’t feel frustrated or rejected. If his next case responds, and in turn starts to give love and attention to other alcoholics, yet gives none back to him, the sponsor is happy about it anyway. He still doesn’t feel rejected; instead he rejoices that his one-time prospect is sober and happy. And if his next following case turns out in later time to be his best friend (or romance) then the sponsor is most joyful. But he well knows that his happiness is a by-product—the extra dividend of giving without any demand for a return.
The really stabilizing thing for him was having and offering love to that strange drunk on his doorstep. That was Francis at work, powerful and practical, minus dependency and minus demand.
In the first six months of my own sobriety, I worked hard with many alcoholics. Not a one responded. Yet this work kept me sober. It wasn’t a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.
Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.
Of course I haven’t offered you a really new idea—only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own “hexes” at depth. Nowadays my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.
by admin | Jul 26, 2025 | AA, Addiction, Well-being
This is the issue that so many people dismiss when falling into the same Freud vs. Jung “complex” as even they seemed to have done. First of all, Freud’s psychoanalysis would not have turned the 4th Step into the 1st Step. In fact, this program is LOADED with Freud all over it. When in the Big Book they make reference to “We needed to get down to causes and conditions” you are talking about analyzing exactly what is causing this drinking issue. When we turn our will and our lives over in Step 3 we have decided that based on analyis nothing but a Higher Power can help [us]. When I do a Sixth Step I am forced to take a look at my character defects and while I may initially not see them all, they usually come from Step 4 and an analysis of where our behavior comes from. When further on in the Program we continue asking for character defects to be removed in Step Seven becasue they continuously pop up we usually do a Fourth Step on something, quite impromptu but done none the less, and there we see that Freudianesque analysis again.
Shall I go on? I would like to reassure the world who believes Freud and AA could not coexist, that it is much more along the lines of people like C. Jung existing because of Freud. What was their disagreement? One wanted to expand while the other wanted to increase in depth? Individuals who discount Freud and applaud only Jung disregard where Jung even began thinking that a Spiritual solution was the only way. That came from analysis. Analysis he gained studying under Freud. The medical model is more binary than psychology. That being said, please do not discount where individuals gain their knowledge, neither their own thinking and how they apply it to their lives. If you choose the way of entropy to exponentially grow in all directions, my suggestion to you is to study Jung, but take a look at Freud and how he analyzed things. You may just see what made Jung decide Spirituality is the only way to go for an Alcoholic or other 12-Step Program Taker. And who knows, it may be the answer to someone asking the simple question of “Why?”
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