I have been working on organizing a lot of things recently, and I have even coached on this. What to do, how to get it done, what you’re looking for, and good heavens, it feels like an endless struggle that I cannot find a way out of. A way out to get in.

I have various projects underway. They are all in place, but they mostly need to pivot; well, some do, at this point. So much has changed in the last few years, and while I have been finishing things in academia, I have been missing out on so much as well. That is not to take away from the point, but it certainly means that at this point I feel overly left behind, and like I cannot reach one set goal because they all seem to need to change with the times. It’s not good. It’s not easy. It takes time. I can’t stand it, and I want to say I want out.

I don’t. I would be lying if I said that. I want in, and that’s what makes everything feel overwhelming right now. I am looking at things and wondering where to start. For the last few weeks, I have been trying to do nothing, just to catch up to my reality. I want to rest. I want to take things slowly. It doesn’t feel possible. But it is. It’s very possible. I am doing something I began yesterday, which I believe will help clear my mind and put me in a place that’s easier for me to get around. I will be able to navigate the changes by having accepted them and move forward in the process. I’ll reach the finish line that never really ceases to exist, but I will have crossed it; I will have experienced the better day; the better moments will be present; the peace of mind will suffice; and I will feel like I’m working in rhythm once more.

That is what has happened. I have lost all sense of congruency in this. I have no ability to hold a note. I cannot see the end in sight because there is no clear space from here to them. I am standing still and stuck. And this is what needs to change. Immediately. This is what I am working on right now.

Right now, a part of my slow process is meditating every morning and throughout the day. I have chosen both of these today, as they feel wonderful and shed some light on simply feeling a bit freer. It makes it feel like home. I want to enlarge my life by making it smaller. I’m unsure how to do that yet, but I think I will find the proper way.