by admin | Sep 12, 2024 | AA, Addiction
My most dire issue is me, and I am an alcoholic. I have a sobriety date of January 2, 2022, and a Sponsor who knows she is my Sponsor. She has a Sponsor too. My Sponsor has taken me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. These days, I have the opportunity, and immense honor, to Sponsor other women as well.
As for the spiritual awakening that comes from these 12 steps, I will honestly “tell on myself” and say that I ask my higher power, whom I have decided to call God, all on my own—no one has ever told me to say that—”When is it going to happen?” It has. I also ask for my spiritual experience. That has happened daily since I picked up that first white chip.
I think I will begin by saying that my alcoholic career began at a very young age. I would swear it is possible for a switch to go off once alcohol touches your lips that first time. I am unsure of that, but I can say that by the age of 8, I was off to the races, sneaking sangria every night before bedtime because it helped me sleep! Plus, I loved how sweet it was. I didn’t taste the alcohol. That was the last thing on my mind. Well, of course at 8 I may not be very picky as to whether or not something would get me tispy, but the feelings of strange, and unable to understand things, and something just not tasting good were normal. Well, alcohol did not fit the bill hidden behind the fruity sangria I would have on a nightly basis. Of course, I was extremely smart and would just add water to the bottle. Of course (smiling), my mother never noticed, nor did she taste it either. Of course, right? Those are the lies I told myself all the way to the age of 37, when I completely decided that alcohol would never come near me again.
I did this on my own. I didn’t see the possibility of a program like AA or that I needed it. Now I look back and realize how miserable I was all of these years and the years before 37. What exactly was I thinking? I am not sure. Looking back, I can see how much alcohol controlled my life and hindered my ability to live fully. Finally, seeking help through Alcoholics Anonymous has been life-changing. I am grateful for the support of my Sponsor and the opportunity to help other women on their journeys to sobriety. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can inspire others to seek the help they need and begin their own path to recovery.
The road is long but sweet if you allow it to be.
by admin | May 22, 2024 | AA, Addiction, Co-dependency, Lifestyle & Work, Wellness
I have taken on this new perspective, a Twelfth Step practice, of applying the steps to my life. In particular, I am aligning this with love. My experience has shown me I can use this powerlessness ideal for anything.
As a recovering co-dependent, I can say I have been powerless over people. Now, I am admitting that I am powerless over this feeling. Is the feeling good? Yes. Can it become toxic? Yes, it can. Do I want it to be healthy? Yes, I do. So, having “seemingly recovered from a hopeless state of mind and being,” I am officially applying this First step to my emotion – love.
The steps will always work in the same way. I will always feel too much about something. You see, when I don’t overwhelm myself, even if for a moment, with a feeling, then it does not matter. That, of course, does not mean I need to stay there. It seems somewhat dualistic. I know. Is it either love or indifference? Well, maybe. Do we ever act on things and not care while caring? We cannot be doing two things at once. It is not physically possible. Are we always incapable of controlling our emotions and how we behave that it is hopeless? No. Is it possible, though? Yes. Consider something as relevant to me as going to a meeting. I can become so attached to meetings as my saving grace that I refuse to work the program, including living on life’s terms.
My point here is that I have this excellent feeling, and I must first ensure it thrives. I want it to last. This means understanding that the moment I believe I can control it, I have already lost control. I will naturally start to “control it” by worrying. Are the worries necessary? No. Do I worry, regardless? Yes. Do I try to make decisions for “the feeling,” which includes me and possibly someone else? I do. Is this now me trying to control the feeling as well as taking control of someone else’s actions – trying to? Yes. This is why I officially take the first step and admit my powerlessness over this love.
I am not going into this any further. There is too much to be said and insufficient clarity available to share. I can tell, though, that admitting that I feel something, admitting that I have no control over it, admitting that it helps me smile, and admitting that I will allow this to take its course is the best I can do right now.
I admitted that I am powerless over this adoration. I feel that my life has become unmanageable.”
PS. I am NOT interested in managing it. It is so much more beautiful when it happens organically. Do I want it to have happened already? Of course! But that’s when I move on to Step 2.
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