I think that many oldsters who have put our AA “booze cure” to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA—the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.
Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance—urges quite appropriate to age seventeen—prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven or fifty-seven.
Since AA began, I’ve taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up, emotionally and spiritually. My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible, and how very painful to discover finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse! Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round.
How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result, and so into easy, happy, and good living—well, that’s not only the neurotic’s problem, it’s the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to right principles in all our affairs.
Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That’s the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to. And it’s a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious—from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream—be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want! How to convince our dumb, raging and hidden “Mr. Hyde” becomes our main task.
I’ve recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I believe so because I begin to see many benighted ones—folks like you and me—commencing to get results. Last autumn [several years backed.] depression, having no really rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I’ve had with depressions, it wasn’t a bright prospect.
I kept asking myself, “Why can’t the Twelve Steps work to release depression?” By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer…”It’s better to comfort than to be the comforted.” Here was the formula, all right. But why didn’t it work?
Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence – almost absolute dependence – on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.
There wasn’t a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.
Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what Grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.
Then only could I be free to love as Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life.
Plainly, I could not avail myself of God’s love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn’t possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies.
For my dependency meant demand—a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me.
While those words “absolute demand” may look like a gimmick, they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me.
This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God’s creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the current can’t flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is.
Spiritual calculus, you say? Not a bit of it. Watch any AA of six months working with a new Twelfth Step case. If the case says “To the devil with you,” the Twelfth Stepper only smiles and turns to another case. He doesn’t feel frustrated or rejected. If his next case responds, and in turn starts to give love and attention to other alcoholics, yet gives none back to him, the sponsor is happy about it anyway. He still doesn’t feel rejected; instead he rejoices that his one-time prospect is sober and happy. And if his next following case turns out in later time to be his best friend (or romance) then the sponsor is most joyful. But he well knows that his happiness is a by-product—the extra dividend of giving without any demand for a return.
The really stabilizing thing for him was having and offering love to that strange drunk on his doorstep. That was Francis at work, powerful and practical, minus dependency and minus demand.
In the first six months of my own sobriety, I worked hard with many alcoholics. Not a one responded. Yet this work kept me sober. It wasn’t a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.
Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.
Of course I haven’t offered you a really new idea—only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own “hexes” at depth. Nowadays my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.
This is the issue that so many people dismiss when falling into the same Freud vs. Jung “complex” as even they seemed to have done. First of all, Freud’s psychoanalysis would not have turned the 4th Step into the 1st Step. In fact, this program is LOADED with Freud all over it. When in the Big Book they make reference to “We needed to get down to causes and conditions” you are talking about analyzing exactly what is causing this drinking issue. When we turn our will and our lives over in Step 3 we have decided that based on analyis nothing but a Higher Power can help [us]. When I do a Sixth Step I am forced to take a look at my character defects and while I may initially not see them all, they usually come from Step 4 and an analysis of where our behavior comes from. When further on in the Program we continue asking for character defects to be removed in Step Seven becasue they continuously pop up we usually do a Fourth Step on something, quite impromptu but done none the less, and there we see that Freudianesque analysis again.
Shall I go on? I would like to reassure the world who believes Freud and AA could not coexist, that it is much more along the lines of people like C. Jung existing because of Freud. What was their disagreement? One wanted to expand while the other wanted to increase in depth? Individuals who discount Freud and applaud only Jung disregard where Jung even began thinking that a Spiritual solution was the only way. That came from analysis. Analysis he gained studying under Freud. The medical model is more binary than psychology. That being said, please do not discount where individuals gain their knowledge, neither their own thinking and how they apply it to their lives. If you choose the way of entropy to exponentially grow in all directions, my suggestion to you is to study Jung, but take a look at Freud and how he analyzed things. You may just see what made Jung decide Spirituality is the only way to go for an Alcoholic or other 12-Step Program Taker. And who knows, it may be the answer to someone asking the simple question of “Why?”
“Hi everyone, thank you for calling on me, all of you for your service, and everyone for choosing to be here today. My name is Lily and I am an alcoholic and an addict. As for why this works for me? I do not know. I can say it’s because of that ‘God-sized hole in my heart’ or maybe because I have a spiritual malady. It’s so many things but I know that whatever I tried before didn’t give me the peace of mind I have right now. I cannot fathom what my life could be like otherwise, and don’t want to. I wish I could walk you through a recording of what falling asleep in 2019 looked like. Because you see I have had “so-dryety” for what, 2014-2022? And it was not a nice time in my life. It was miserable. I can’t remember all of the things I did but aside from being miserable to be around I hurt myself like never before. Nothing to cover up my inability to find peace and not knowing how to find peace where I was. I want that agenda. God should give it me. I will continue waiting. But until then I will do what makes me feel good. What makes me smile. Saying I love you. Listening. Camera off. Sometimes speaking. Saying ‘I have no idea where this is going but…’ and then ‘I’m going to go ahead and pass… would you like to share with us tonight are you available?’.
For the record, Dr. Silkworth, you called it the phenomenon of craving. It is. I have an experience and it fits and then I cannot stop because I continue to believe it’s possible to reach again when it’s not. Like an alergy? Yeah, I simply don’t react to it like other people. I don’t know what it’s like to have fun drunk. I never had a good time but I did it. A lot of it. And then added more things, substracted things, had extra amounts of that and then one day said I’ll stop and did. ‘This is an open-meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, ‘this is closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.’ ‘I am sorry if you are here to observe for your course, this is a closed meeting of AA there are 24 hour open meetings all over the world try this number this url and you can find one. We’re sorry but this is a safe space for individuals who have a desire to stop drinking and stay sober.’ ‘Well, then give yourselves, your high power, and anyone you find pertinent to your sobriety and program a hand for the chips that you do hold or are working on.’ ‘If we can have a moment of silence for the still sick and sufferring both inside and outside of the rooms, and everyone caiught in the way of this horrible disease through no fault of their own – followed by the 7th Step Prayer: My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding.Amen.‘
It is a few days late. On June 10, 2025 Alcoholics Anonymous made 90 years of continuously “helping” people. I am not going into “saved my life” or “changed my life” or “I have a life because of AA.” It has created space, held space, in many ways. It’s been difficult, and trying, and picks at you, it even disregards the scabs because in the end they don’t matter. Here’s Dr. Bob’s Farewell Letter. “Who wouldv’t thunk it!” “Thanks to the benefits of this fellowship I have not had the desire or needed to pick up a drink today.” And there is a lot of weight behind that statement. A drink does a lot. It does so much. It does too much. “Drinking was only but a symptom. We had to get down to causes and conditions” (AAWS, 2012).
Mr. William G. Wilson Alcoholics Anonymous Box 459 Grand Central Station New York 17, N.Y.
Dear Mr. Wilson, Your letter has been very welcome indeed.
I had no news from Roland H. anymore and often wondered what has been his fate. Our conversation which he had adequately reported to you had an aspect of which he did not know. The reason, that I could not tell him everything, was that those days I had to be exceedingly careful of what I said. I had found out that I was misunderstood in every possible way. Thus I was very careful when I talked to Roland H. But what I really thought about, was the result of many experiences with men of his kind.
His craving for alcohol was the equivalent on a low level of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God.
How could one formulate such an insight in a language that is not misunderstood in our days?
The only right and legitimate way to such an experience is, that it happens to you in reality and it can only happen to you when you walk on a path, which leads you to a higher understanding. You might be led to that goal by an act of grace or through a personal and honest contact with friends, or through a higher education of the mind beyond the confines of mere rationalism. I see from your letter that Roland H. has chosen the second way, which was, under the circumstances, obviously the best one.
I am strongly convinced that the evil principle prevailing in this world, leads the unrecognized spiritual need into perdition, if it is not counteracted either by a real religious insight or by the protective wall of human community. An ordinary man, not protected by an action from above and isolated in society cannot resist the power of evil, which is called very aptly the Devil. But the use of such words arouse so many mistakes that one can only keep aloof from them as much as possible.
These are the reasons why I could not give a full and sufficient explanation to Roland H. but I am risking it with you because I conclude from your very decent and honest letter, that you have acquired a point of view above the misleading platitudes, one usually hears about alcoholism.
You see, Alcohol in Latin is “spiritus” and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as for the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: spiritus contra spiritum.
My most dire issue is me, and I am an alcoholic. I have a sobriety date of January 2, 2022, and a Sponsor who knows she is my Sponsor. She has a Sponsor too. My Sponsor has taken me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. These days, I have the opportunity, and immense honor, to Sponsor other women as well.
As for the spiritual awakening that comes from these 12 steps, I will honestly “tell on myself” and say that I ask my higher power, whom I have decided to call God, all on my own—no one has ever told me to say that—”When is it going to happen?” It has. I also ask for my spiritual experience. That has happened daily since I picked up that first white chip.
I think I will begin by saying that my alcoholic career began at a very young age. I would swear it is possible for a switch to go off once alcohol touches your lips that first time. I am unsure of that, but I can say that by the age of 8, I was off to the races, sneaking sangria every night before bedtime because it helped me sleep! Plus, I loved how sweet it was. I didn’t taste the alcohol. That was the last thing on my mind. Well, of course at 8 I may not be very picky as to whether or not something would get me tispy, but the feelings of strange, and unable to understand things, and something just not tasting good were normal. Well, alcohol did not fit the bill hidden behind the fruity sangria I would have on a nightly basis. Of course, I was extremely smart and would just add water to the bottle. Of course (smiling), my mother never noticed, nor did she taste it either. Of course, right? Those are the lies I told myself all the way to the age of 37, when I completely decided that alcohol would never come near me again.
I did this on my own. I didn’t see the possibility of a program like AA or that I needed it. Now I look back and realize how miserable I was all of these years and the years before 37. What exactly was I thinking? I am not sure. Looking back, I can see how much alcohol controlled my life and hindered my ability to live fully. Finally, seeking help through Alcoholics Anonymous has been life-changing. I am grateful for the support of my Sponsor and the opportunity to help other women on their journeys to sobriety. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can inspire others to seek the help they need and begin their own path to recovery.
I have taken on this new perspective, a Twelfth Step practice, of applying the steps to my life. In particular, I am aligning this with love. My experience has shown me I can use this powerlessness ideal for anything.
As a recovering co-dependent, I can say I have been powerless over people. Now, I am admitting that I am powerless over this feeling. Is the feeling good? Yes. Can it become toxic? Yes, it can. Do I want it to be healthy? Yes, I do. So, having “seemingly recovered from a hopeless state of mind and being,” I am officially applying this First step to my emotion – love.
The steps will always work in the same way. I will always feel too much about something. You see, when I don’t overwhelm myself, even if for a moment, with a feeling, then it does not matter. That, of course, does not mean I need to stay there. It seems somewhat dualistic. I know. Is it either love or indifference? Well, maybe. Do we ever act on things and not care while caring? We cannot be doing two things at once. It is not physically possible. Are we always incapable of controlling our emotions and how we behave that it is hopeless? No. Is it possible, though? Yes. Consider something as relevant to me as going to a meeting. I can become so attached to meetings as my saving grace that I refuse to work the program, including living on life’s terms.
My point here is that I have this excellent feeling, and I must first ensure it thrives. I want it to last. This means understanding that the moment I believe I can control it, I have already lost control. I will naturally start to “control it” by worrying. Are the worries necessary? No. Do I worry, regardless? Yes. Do I try to make decisions for “the feeling,” which includes me and possibly someone else? I do. Is this now me trying to control the feeling as well as taking control of someone else’s actions – trying to? Yes. This is why I officially take the first step and admit my powerlessness over this love.
I am not going into this any further. There is too much to be said and insufficient clarity available to share. I can tell, though, that admitting that I feel something, admitting that I have no control over it, admitting that it helps me smile, and admitting that I will allow this to take its course is the best I can do right now.
I admitted that I am powerless over this adoration. I feel that my life has become unmanageable.”
PS. I am NOT interested in managing it. It is so much more beautiful when it happens organically. Do I want it to have happened already? Of course! But that’s when I move on to Step 2.
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