In an effort to be mindful and place myself even where I cannot be, I have decided to write down my thoughts on where nature is taking me. As a flawed human being, I always think I have too little time to do too many things. When I feel a lack of time and start doing things too quickly, albeit various things, I end up completing nothing.
A highly knowledgeable book I have been working on told me that today, I should go outside and experience nature. So, in my mind, I am stepping outside. I am stepping outside my door and reminded of how I used to love being barefoot at all times. These days, I rarely walk without slippers or shoes. I do, though, wear socks at home, which take the place of rubber souls most of the time. I look to the right and disregard the door I see there since it’s not aesthetically pleasing. I do, though, think beyond the door. I think of the sounds I hear. Let’s say I am not pleased, which means I will hear nothing. I will hear no people, no music, no television, no splashing of pool water, nor my niece’s voice. That would be when I look to the left, possibly ahead of me in disdain, and open my door to step back into my humble space, where I attempt to feel tranquility.
In better circumstances, I hear people and music. I don’t open the door and walk through—no. I just listen and enjoy their presence from afar. I make an attempt to foreshadow anyone opening the door from the opposite side so I am not present when they do. Needing to stop my imagination, needing to stop the pleasant sounds of beautiful human beings gathering and enjoying themselves by saying excuse me is definitely outside of my comfort zone.
Then I stop listening because I am secure that there are happy people there. I smile and possibly look down as if mesmerized. Then maybe I look up. Then maybe to the side. Then maybe I stop right in front of my door and walk back in without wanting to step inside and back into the safe space I call home.
This is a culmination of my minimalist experience these last few moments: stepping into the world and feeling happiness by knowing others are living life fully surrounded by things they love. You see, now I have to step back into the many things I have to get done with little time. I need to step back into reading and writing and attempt to finish this five-year document that has been weighing on my mind and heart since day 1. To keep things simple, I am reminded of what makes me smile for a few seconds. That’s all I need. What makes you smile for an instant? Would you want it to stay, or do you relish that you experience it in special moments and not feel it’s all-consuming? Do you like the ability to breathe in happiness and exhale love?
I have taken on this new perspective, a Twelfth Step practice, of applying the steps to my life. In particular, I am aligning this with love. My experience has shown me I can use this powerlessness ideal for anything.
As a recovering co-dependent, I can say I have been powerless over people. Now, I am admitting that I am powerless over this feeling. Is the feeling good? Yes. Can it become toxic? Yes, it can. Do I want it to be healthy? Yes, I do. So, having “seemingly recovered from a hopeless state of mind and being,” I am officially applying this First step to my emotion – love.
The steps will always work in the same way. I will always feel too much about something. You see, when I don’t overwhelm myself, even if for a moment, with a feeling, then it does not matter. That, of course, does not mean I need to stay there. It seems somewhat dualistic. I know. Is it either love or indifference? Well, maybe. Do we ever act on things and not care while caring? We cannot be doing two things at once. It is not physically possible. Are we always incapable of controlling our emotions and how we behave that it is hopeless? No. Is it possible, though? Yes. Consider something as relevant to me as going to a meeting. I can become so attached to meetings as my saving grace that I refuse to work the program, including living on life’s terms.
My point here is that I have this excellent feeling, and I must first ensure it thrives. I want it to last. This means understanding that the moment I believe I can control it, I have already lost control. I will naturally start to “control it” by worrying. Are the worries necessary? No. Do I worry, regardless? Yes. Do I try to make decisions for “the feeling,” which includes me and possibly someone else? I do. Is this now me trying to control the feeling as well as taking control of someone else’s actions – trying to? Yes. This is why I officially take the first step and admit my powerlessness over this love.
I am not going into this any further. There is too much to be said and insufficient clarity available to share. I can tell, though, that admitting that I feel something, admitting that I have no control over it, admitting that it helps me smile, and admitting that I will allow this to take its course is the best I can do right now.
I admitted that I am powerless over this adoration. I feel that my life has become unmanageable.”
PS. I am NOT interested in managing it. It is so much more beautiful when it happens organically. Do I want it to have happened already? Of course! But that’s when I move on to Step 2.
Take a look at what you’re doing. Seriously. Do not be afraid. It is scary, time-consuming, and may get you off track. Write down your next steps if you have to, but do not get in your own way.
Why do I say this? From experience, something that has, I hope, made me stronger, and what I hope will not repeat itself with due diligence and practice. Daily practice.
It’s a vegan butterscotch Bundt. And quite delicious. They are not difficult to make, and many times I have tried to change the flour for oat, wheat, and it’s been difficult. I cannot seem to get the right about of water? Maybe it’s the right amount of sugar since I use demerara and sometimes coconut. If you find the magic recipe, please let me know in the comments!
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