by admin | Oct 31, 2025 | Lifestyle & Work
Although I thought I would create an ongoing entry yesterday, I have decided to log them per day. Doing so helps me see exactly the process I have gone through, not to mention the patterns I may find helpful for the future. And so, first allow me to wish anyone celebrating Halloween a Happy Halloween. I have not done so in many, many, decades-long years. I also need to reiterate that I find Grammarly useful, but it consistently refuses to adhere to my own style of writing, allowing me to call it my “Writer’s Voice.” For mechanical purposes, it is excellent. For sharing who one is and their use of the English language, or anything else, it is helpful as long as there is a keen eye on what you want to sound like to the reader, regardless of how they are reading.
Here is today’s reading list:
by admin | Oct 30, 2025 | Lifestyle & Work
That seems like a funny title, or at least to me it does, but in preparation for this point in my life, I have done various things, very structured, since 2019—PhD—research, defense, answering questions, speaking to my Chair, writing well, reading well, presenting well, arguing well, debating well, presenting and making my case well, and proving I have a point that maybe, just maybe, is of interest to you, as well.
Today I am working on something that may seem unnecessary to most, but not to me. I’ll add links here. As I’ve heard many times the last few years, “Take what you can, and leave the rest,” maybe someone else can use it.
This will be ongoing, but thus far, this is what I have read today—I think. I say “I think” only because I sometimes forget. I do various things in one day, as I presume everyone else does as well. Sometimes my “doing many things, and highly important things” includes trying on Leah’s (our Shih Tzu) new pink sweater (her choice), but nonetheless, I do various things, and as a fellow human, I will forget.
I am going to go ahead and divide these into days. And so, this would be day 1, although not really. It is simply October 30, 2025.
Until Tomorrow,
#itsmelily
by admin | Oct 30, 2025 | AA, Addiction
I’m listening to an excellent story from the AA Grapevine, but all it has done is remind me of what I will do every time—”Why did you do it?”
Possibly a question outside the tenets of AA and “Keep Coming Back.” Certainly! Never stay behind. I will carry you if necessary. I would drag you if I could. Tradition One tells me “Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity” (AAWS, 2001). Listen, this is a program of attraction, and not promotion. I am putting aside if I give to you, I get to stay sober. No. That’s promoting that if I help—transaction—I get to stay sober. That’s not my mindset. My mindset sounds more like “I will stay sober by helping you because it is no longer in my nature to wonder what I will get out of this. It’s more along the lines of I know what it feels like, I see you this way, I live something much different than you right now or so it seems, and it may not always be that I want you in this too—another transaction; maybe, just maybe, it’s that I see you, you are asking for help, or maybe you’re not, but you’re not safe, let me at least take you somewhere that can keep you safe until you wake up.
That was me going off on a tangent, completely, but the initial reminder was asking “why.” “I relapsed.” “Okay. Why did you do it?” It’s a slippery slope. It’s challenging. It’s what almost no alcoholic is willing to answer, and it’s usually because of “testing me,” “doubting me,” “demanding from me,” “mind your own business,” or “because I felt like it.” That’s wonderful, and while the concept of “I am only asking why” may not be understood or stick as peaceful and caring, I would still, somehow, in some way, at some point, ask. This is why I don’t work for everyone. This is also why I need to be contextually sensitive. Can I ask anyone that? No. Have I? Yes. Did that person like it? No. It wasn’t Sponsor-to-Sponsee. It was just at a meeting.
In the end, Sponsorship is a conversation. It’s not “tell me your life.” It is these are the steps, this is how they are done, now are you ready to start doing them? Yes? No? When? Tomorrow? Why not today? Do you know that I have no intention of understanding your reasons? I do, though, think that you should know your own reasons. Not to beat alcoholism because you won’t be able to. Think of alcoholism like the unconscious part of your mind, not your brain, that’s even more complex, your mind, that you barely have access to, you will never understand consciously, and so your own thinking will lead you into the deepest of holes. The moment you think you understand it, you will lose control of it. It’s vast, it’s confusing, and it’s not going to let you see it —you’re not supposed to. Many things exist in nature that, while they are a part of nature, are not meant for everyone. Prime example, the belladonna flower. The angel’s trumpet. Things made legal today, and things unknown, needing control from the start. All natural. Some deadly. Others a very slow suicide.
So, back to my question: why am I not okay for everyone? Because I’m not a nice person. I will drag you. I will carry you. Maybe you won’t like me. Maybe you will. In the end, simply put, I am willing to challenge you. Fire me. I have done it. It was my path, I will not hold it against you, and I hope you don’t hold anything against me. You know why I tell you that? Because resentments are shackles, and I think you should feel freedom. I believe freedom to smile, to laugh, to cry, to love, to live.
Life is beautiful. We make it difficult “at no fault of our own.” See that? That’s why we will not understand it, but we get better. We get better, not at understanding, but at stepping away and living in peace. I chose to live in love. I refuse otherwise. Is it easy? Sometimes. Do I practice it? Always. If it were so easy, then it would not feel as magical as it does. I live in love and live for magic. I hope you someday choose to live in what fills your heart and makes you feel whole.
Lily M. 5/24/2014
P.S. I am loyal, faithful, patient, and believe in good things. I believe; it’s as simple as that. Rarely a hugger. This is how I share a “hug:” come, sit with me. On the floor. Lean against the wall. Let’s talk. Let me listen. So. I rarely hug. I’d rather you feel good, feel safe, feel free—even if just for an instant.
by admin | Oct 27, 2025 | AA, Addiction
Last Friday, I wrote on a list I share with the love of my life (I know that may sound “cheesy” to people. She is.) I admitted my powerlessness over… 1. being nervous, believing that something can make me sane again—from the nervousness—and convincing myself that taking that Leap of Faith called Step Three is possible. I will do my best to try it and succeed.
I was so nervous about this event. See, I was already there, but unlike how it feels to be present, I was nervous and hadn’t let go yet. Truly, predicting these thoughts, actions, and behaviors makes it so much worse than being in the moment and Mindful. I believe the only thing I need to do, instead of sitting and noticing so much this first time around, is see that everything is messy, I am feeling out of sorts, and I do not like it enough to not admit to myself that I am not doing well. It’s that simple. All this analysis I do —it’s unnecessary to start. This may be my issue. It may be someone else’s issue as well. But in the end, this is the true meaning of Step One: I do not like how this feels, and I do not know how to get things back in order. That, my dear friends, is Step One of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Then, after analyzing too much, as I always do, I moved on to Step Two. Something has got to be able to fix this. I don’t know how to do it because I have tried and nothing has worked. Do I want to continue trying? I do. But am I willing to gain understanding from other perspectives as well to enhance my own abilities? To know more? To know better? I am, or rather, I was. And so, if I go back to the book, I may get confused. You see, we read things, and whether we remember a lot or not, they stick! When I focused on marketing, I once wrote a LinkedIn blog post about making things stick. How was it possible? How do we do it? Right now, I can say give it your best by being yourself, and it will stick much better than otherwise. Side note on marketing: that may be why I am not too keen on most brands; inauthenticity runs rampant. No judgements here. I am speaking of my own experiences, not of anything in particular. Maybe it’s me who is inconsistent, and I just don’t get it. We’ll see how things evolve. I know the steps. So I referred to God.
The thing is that God can serve as a placeholder just the same. I am not here to preach to any choir about God, nor anything. Let’s call it a placeholder for something that can actually help. Maybe it’s knowledge. Maybe it’s the truth behind what I am looking for. Perhaps it’s love, or so much more. See, I can go on about that, but it may take these thoughts off on a tangent for now, so… The idea is I need help. Please help me get this nervousness I cannot deal with away from me.
Off to Step Three. Whatever this thing I decided can help me figure this out, I’m going to sit there and say, “You know what, figure it out. Please help me out of this. Please show me how to do this. I am stubborn, I am self-sufficient, and I like to get things done, so please help out.”
And this is how I helped myself out on Friday. Did I get better? For sure. I then lived through the experience. Parts were fine, others were dreadful, but overall things were good. The nervousness went away. It wasn’t nervousness that I felt during those “not-so-good” moments. It was possibly confusion. It was me thinking I know what others are thinking. It was me wanting to know everything. It was me being an alcoholic and not being present. That’s how my alcoholism shows up these days. It’s not ugh, I need to get blasted! No, it’s F-You, possibly for reasons having nothing to do with reality, and needing to escape the fact that I do not know and want to know. I’m sitting in on a meeting right now, hearing “fear inventory,” and that’s why I say those things to others without saying much. It’s not anger. It’s pain. I don’t want to lose you. I didn’t say that during the presentation. That would not have been good, as it would have made me feel and behave worse. In the end I do believe this, my thinking is a bad neighborhood, I should not go there, it is never right when it’s hurting me, and I know that because I do have a concept of “God” and my God is loving and shows up and that “God consciousness” is not correlating with the pain so… where is that coming from? Ego. Not knowing what is true and what is not, and keeping me out of love, which is everywhere I do not want to be.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is my highly simplified explanation of Steps 1, 2, and 3. I hope it helps. If it does not, remember, this is my experience, strength, and hope. You’re writing your story, so take what works, what you can, and leave the rest. It’s free, and goes nowhere unless you take it.
God bless, and stay close to what helps you the most. Whatever that placeholder is for you. Let it show up for you instead.
by admin | Oct 22, 2025 | Lifestyle & Work, Mental health, Well-being
You know that feeling when you catch yourself mid-judgment, that split second where your brain has already categorized someone or something before you’ve even taken a full breath? Yeah, I’m intimately familiar with that moment. At 40, I’ve spent enough years wrestling with my own tendency to jump to conclusions to know how seductive and dangerous contempt can be.
It wasn’t until my late thirties that I really started understanding how deeply contempt before investigation had shaped my worldview. Growing up, I’d learned to armor myself with quick assessments, sharp observations, and what I mistakenly believed was “intuition.” In reality, it was just a protective mechanism—a way to feel in control by quickly sorting the world into neat, manageable boxes labeled “good” and “bad.”
Take work environments, for instance. I remember how swiftly I’d size up new colleagues. That guy who always wore wrinkled shirts? Clearly disorganized and unprofessional. The woman who spoke softly in meetings? Obviously lacking confidence. These snap judgments said far more about my own insecurities than about the actual people around me.
The turning point came during a professional workshop where we discussed unconscious bias. The facilitator challenged us to pause—truly pause—before forming an opinion. It sounds simple, right? But for someone who’d built an entire career strategy around quick assessments, this was revolutionary. What if, instead of immediately categorizing, I got curious? What if I asked a question instead of constructing a narrative?
This shift wasn’t just professional. It permeated every aspect of my life. I started noticing how quickly I’d form opinions about everything: restaurants, neighborhoods, political movements, parenting styles. Each judgment was a wall, preventing genuine understanding.
Learning to suspend contempt doesn’t mean becoming naive or losing critical thinking. It’s about creating space—breathing room between observation and conclusion. It’s recognizing that every person, every situation, carries complexity far beyond our initial impression.
I’ve learned that contempt is often a shield. It protects us from vulnerability, from the uncomfortable work of truly understanding. When we look down on something or someone, we don’t have to engage, to empathize, to acknowledge our own limitations.
These days, I try to catch myself. When that familiar surge of judgment rises, I take a breath. I ask myself: What am I not seeing? What story might be underneath this surface-level observation? Sometimes the answer surprises me, revealing layers of humanity I would have missed in my previous, more dismissive approach.
This journey isn’t about perfection. It’s about practice. Some days, I’m more successful than others. But each moment of caught judgment is a small victory—a reminder that life is infinitely more interesting when we approach it with curiosity instead of contempt.
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