Step 5 tells me “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Step 5 was not difficult for me. People run away from it. Step 5 was a relief. You see, I knew exactly what this was doing—or I thought I knew it all. That is certainly not the case. I knew it would be cathartic, and would be cleansing. My steps were at times difficult, especially when needing to remember things. I had heard so many stories, worked in various ways on Step 4, and in truth there was a lot that I was scared to forget and leave out. It is, though, only the first of the moral inventories done. It is only the first time around, and it is not meant to be perfect. It wasn’t. It was full of issues with family, full of self-centered fear, full of self-serving behaviors, and all of those culminate to a huge presence of fear.

Many people burn their first 5th Step. And that’s cool. I did not. My Sponsor at the time doesn’t do that. We sat at a Panera on Miracle Mile in Coral Gables and it was hilarious because I actually thought people cared enough to hear these things. I read the whole thing, she sat, and when leaving said I’ve done worse. The same thing happened when doing the 3rd Step. We did the 3rd Step prayer at one of the parks on one of the beaches on Key Biscayne. And it was in front of other people. Come on, get down on your knees. And of course I did. I was nervous, didn’t look around consciously but certainly wondered about it, but said the prayer, got up, said okay—end of the day.

I have told Sponsees Step 5 is not for anyone to sit and analyze what you did or did not do. The person serves a purpose, and the only purpose is to create the space taken by someone, people, the world, knowing that [you] are NOT perfect. That you have done things as well. And it’s not a testament to them accepting you. It’s a testament to you accepting them and to your honesty. It’s a testament to your holding yourself accountable. To realizing that I’m not only thinking I did these things, and I’ll tell myself, and God. I’ll also cement it in time. And these statements seem dramatic, even to me writing them, but it is really important because you gain a little of insight into who you have been. It’s challenging. Then comes part, present, future—where do I stand and when do I think of these if at all? Step 5 is a huge turning point, but in Step 5 you meet yourself for the first time, and see exactly who you have been. I am not a fan of doing Step 5 with anyone. I changed Sponsors because I did not trust my Sponsor enough to do a Fifth Step with her. It says it in the Big Book, make sure you choose who you do this with. Many people, many, many people do it with a priest in confession. A part of me, that is quite traditional and orthodox, would have done it like that. Doing a Fifth Step is much scarier prior to doing it, the anticipation, the “self-centred fear” associated with it is the scary part. A Fifth Step is you being ready. They say Step 3? Not for me. For me Step 2 was more difficult. They say Step 3 is the step you take saying I am willing to take the remainder of the steps. I don’t feel that way. I think it’s easy to say “Take this.” It’s easy to make a list. For me, I had to “suit up and show up” at Step 5.

The steps are in order for a reason. But I did get to see that I was manipulating my parents as a child. Friends in high school because I had a car and my parents’ trust that they needed, and they had a social life which I wanted outside books and so sure you pay for the (I drank it too) MD 20/20 and I’ll ask someone to buy it for us. By the way, anyone who drinks MD 20/20 really should consider a Fifth Step just admitting to yourself, God, and someone else that you went there to get drunk. As for sitting with God. That as my biggest, not fear, but the most emotional part of my Fifth Step. I had blamed a lot of me on God. How dare you? Why would you do this? How can you “love” me and still be willing to see me live this way, or barely live at all? In the end I don’t know what that meant. I know to me, it meant that regardless what happened, no matter what it was or who was allowing me to be or do or experience anything I was there too. It remnains a mystery to me. If I attemopted to dicern it further right now I would place myself in the “I want to understand God” which is synonymous to I want to “control” who God is. So I had the conversation, and left it at that.

Step 5 is nothing to be afraid of. Suit up, show up, do it because you believe that in the end it’s what you need, not what anyone is forcing you to do. Believe in you enough to know that [your HP] does too. (Still working on this every day. Progress not perfection)