I have taken on this new perspective, a Twelfth Step practice, of applying the steps to my life. In particular, I am aligning this with love. My experience has shown me I can use this powerlessness ideal for anything.

As a recovering co-dependent, I can say I have been powerless over people. Now, I am admitting that I am powerless over this feeling. Is the feeling good? Yes. Can it become toxic? Yes, it can. Do I want it to be healthy? Yes, I do. So, having “seemingly recovered from a hopeless state of mind and being,” I am officially applying this First step to my emotion – love.

The steps will always work in the same way. I will always feel too much about something. You see, when I don’t overwhelm myself, even if for a moment, with a feeling, then it does not matter. That, of course, does not mean I need to stay there. It seems somewhat dualistic. I know. Is it either love or indifference? Well, maybe. Do we ever act on things and not care while caring? We cannot be doing two things at once. It is not physically possible. Are we always incapable of controlling our emotions and how we behave that it is hopeless? No. Is it possible, though? Yes. Consider something as relevant to me as going to a meeting. I can become so attached to meetings as my saving grace that I refuse to work the program, including living on life’s terms.

My point here is that I have this excellent feeling, and I must first ensure it thrives. I want it to last. This means understanding that the moment I believe I can control it, I have already lost control. I will naturally start to “control it” by worrying. Are the worries necessary? No. Do I worry, regardless? Yes. Do I try to make decisions for “the feeling,” which includes me and possibly someone else? I do. Is this now me trying to control the feeling as well as taking control of someone else’s actions – trying to? Yes. This is why I officially take the first step and admit my powerlessness over this love.

I am not going into this any further. There is too much to be said and insufficient clarity available to share. I can tell, though, that admitting that I feel something, admitting that I have no control over it, admitting that it helps me smile, and admitting that I will allow this to take its course is the best I can do right now.

I admitted that I am powerless over this adoration. I feel that my life has become unmanageable.”

PS. I am NOT interested in managing it. It is so much more beautiful when it happens organically. Do I want it to have happened already? Of course! But that’s when I move on to Step 2.