The NA program, like the AA program, has a daily reader of thoughts and ideas that bring us back to a sense of reality that much of what we’ve done has removed from our lives. That’s the thing, we don’t see it. We don’t realize it. You see, that is why these “diseases,” and I add quotes there in case there is opposition to that—this is my opinion only—overpower. We don’t realize we are doing most of the things we do. It’s also often the determining factor behind statements like “I have a problem,” “I can’t take this anymore,” “this needs to stop,” and others. The list is endless. What anyone says, reconciling that they are finally seeing that life is not what they are thinking and believing, is the key, and the hardest part. That’s what we call “a bottom.” Many times it needs to take enough pain, just enough of the negative taking over the positive, where there is a final hairline crack for hope to peek through. That’s when it happens.

In strengthening my connection to my world, as this day’s reading states, I don’t always stand in front of others, nor do I go to a store. It doesn’t mean buy something either. At its simplest, and again, this is only my personal experience and belief, it is thinking of someone else and connecting that way. Right now, my connections are limited. It is true, I am so stressed it’s beyond me. It is also true that feeling stressed and staying in stress is going to eventually kill me. Death doesn’t care how it happens as long as it does. Agony doesn’t give a damn if you get over it as long as it leaves a trace. And yes, I can go on. These things, they’re only being exactly what they are. They show up, they do what they do, and then go.

This may all seem very metaphysical, and it is. It is only because I’m not saying, you know, these feelings are like matter. I am now. Agony exists. Matter exists. It can’t be created. It can’t be destroyed. It can change, though. As it can’t be destroyd it changes in me. Why in me? I am carrying this. I am a material being. I can change phases just the same. If you wonder about becoming a liquid, look up liquid cremation. You’ll see there. My agony changes to relief, a breath that goes along with it, and then I go on. I carry that, instead. And so, as matter, it is possible, and as a feeling that I carry, that I experience, it is possible just the same because it’s in me.

As for Just for Today, my connections are strengthening as I think about the future. Thinking of the small things. Thinking about where she is and where I am, and it doesn’t matter because what I do is not about me at all. This will, naturally, as a sober woman, allow me to see where I am failing and where I am not adapting as best I can and know how. I’ll get to make a choice. Despair? I will naturally connect with my puppy and naturally go outside to get the mail when no one is around, so they don’t have to. I will naturally open my mother’s front door, say hello, and see them even if for a few minutes. I will pick up the phone and call to see what she is doing today. I will continue looking at the weather because she matters that much. I will continue listening, possibly sharing, connecting with statements, with readers, with anything and everything, but one way or another, connecting and getting outside of me.

I am not meant to implode. I am not meant to dwell on who and what I think I am. I am not the one who can measure me. That’s the deadly trap of thinking I know when I don’t. Know me, know you, know what you don’t know about you, and know that what you’re telling me is wrong. How? Do you see now? The disease? The lack of logic? The lack of emotion and feeling? Oh no, we feel, but we only get one half. We get sadness and not happiness. We get worry and not serenity. This may go against many opinions, and that is fine. We do not live in a world of duality, even though we sometimes do. No, we live in the grays. We live where everything is in the same place, shady, hazy, unclear, and difficult. That’s how we are not in duality. From there, we can choose to see better, see clearly, see something good, great, beautiful, or even love. I dare use that word. I dare to say that I would rather live in love than in disagreement with the things I truly want and experience indifference, apathy, hatred, or anything else that keeps me at war with myself, whatever your choice of words and philosophy may be. Mine is the opposite of that, so those things that give me peace, a smile, happiness, feel present, feel real, feel true, feel honest, useful to someone, like I’m giving them what they need, that they matter that much—something like love, give or take.