Last Friday, I wrote on a list I share with the love of my life (I know that may sound “cheesy” to people. She is.) I admitted my powerlessness over… 1. being nervous, believing that something can make me sane again—from the nervousness—and convincing myself that taking that Leap of Faith called Step Three is possible. I will do my best to try it and succeed.

I was so nervous about this event. See, I was already there, but unlike how it feels to be present, I was nervous and hadn’t let go yet. Truly, predicting these thoughts, actions, and behaviors makes it so much worse than being in the moment and Mindful. I believe the only thing I need to do, instead of sitting and noticing so much this first time around, is see that everything is messy, I am feeling out of sorts, and I do not like it enough to not admit to myself that I am not doing well. It’s that simple. All this analysis I do —it’s unnecessary to start. This may be my issue. It may be someone else’s issue as well. But in the end, this is the true meaning of Step One: I do not like how this feels, and I do not know how to get things back in order. That, my dear friends, is Step One of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Then, after analyzing too much, as I always do, I moved on to Step Two. Something has got to be able to fix this. I don’t know how to do it because I have tried and nothing has worked. Do I want to continue trying? I do. But am I willing to gain understanding from other perspectives as well to enhance my own abilities? To know more? To know better? I am, or rather, I was. And so, if I go back to the book, I may get confused. You see, we read things, and whether we remember a lot or not, they stick! When I focused on marketing, I once wrote a LinkedIn blog post about making things stick. How was it possible? How do we do it? Right now, I can say give it your best by being yourself, and it will stick much better than otherwise. Side note on marketing: that may be why I am not too keen on most brands; inauthenticity runs rampant. No judgements here. I am speaking of my own experiences, not of anything in particular. Maybe it’s me who is inconsistent, and I just don’t get it. We’ll see how things evolve. I know the steps. So I referred to God.

The thing is that God can serve as a placeholder just the same. I am not here to preach to any choir about God, nor anything. Let’s call it a placeholder for something that can actually help. Maybe it’s knowledge. Maybe it’s the truth behind what I am looking for. Perhaps it’s love, or so much more. See, I can go on about that, but it may take these thoughts off on a tangent for now, so… The idea is I need help. Please help me get this nervousness I cannot deal with away from me.

Off to Step Three. Whatever this thing I decided can help me figure this out, I’m going to sit there and say, “You know what, figure it out. Please help me out of this. Please show me how to do this. I am stubborn, I am self-sufficient, and I like to get things done, so please help out.”

And this is how I helped myself out on Friday. Did I get better? For sure. I then lived through the experience. Parts were fine, others were dreadful, but overall things were good. The nervousness went away. It wasn’t nervousness that I felt during those “not-so-good” moments. It was possibly confusion. It was me thinking I know what others are thinking. It was me wanting to know everything. It was me being an alcoholic and not being present. That’s how my alcoholism shows up these days. It’s not ugh, I need to get blasted! No, it’s F-You, possibly for reasons having nothing to do with reality, and needing to escape the fact that I do not know and want to know. I’m sitting in on a meeting right now, hearing “fear inventory,” and that’s why I say those things to others without saying much. It’s not anger. It’s pain. I don’t want to lose you. I didn’t say that during the presentation. That would not have been good, as it would have made me feel and behave worse. In the end I do believe this, my thinking is a bad neighborhood, I should not go there, it is never right when it’s hurting me, and I know that because I do have a concept of “God” and my God is loving and shows up and that “God consciousness” is not correlating with the pain so… where is that coming from? Ego. Not knowing what is true and what is not, and keeping me out of love, which is everywhere I do not want to be.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is my highly simplified explanation of Steps 1, 2, and 3. I hope it helps. If it does not, remember, this is my experience, strength, and hope. You’re writing your story, so take what works, what you can, and leave the rest. It’s free, and goes nowhere unless you take it.

God bless, and stay close to what helps you the most. Whatever that placeholder is for you. Let it show up for you instead.